Who am I??

I woke up an hour ago and I’m still lying in the bed, can’t find a reason to walk up.
After some minutes I force myself to walk up from my bed, I’m walking forward to my mirror.I see a girl who is 19 years old but she looks like more then 100 years old, a redhead with no future. Her skin is so pale and her eyes are dead, her head is so big and round that it could be used as a football. I am not a person, sure I got an identity “Allison” but you can’t call me a person, I am not like other people. How could anyone ever like me? I’m glad that I got Tim, he’s the only on who ever going to like me.

Now when I am done with looking at my miserable face, I’m walking into my bathroom to clean my wounds on my wrists.
I take of my bandages, it hurts so beautifully and I can feel the sweet scent of dried blood.
I wash my wounds with water and I can see how the water change it’s colour to red, it feels so amazing but it’s too hard to explain. Now when my wounds are clean I take on new bandages.

I walk into my bedroom and take on my ugly clothes that are to big for me, but it doesn’t matter no one gets happy when they see me anyways. Then I look at my cellphone, Tim has left me a text message, he wants me to meet him at his place today. For just some seconds I smile a little, he makes me all warm inside.

Then I walk out of my apartment and are on my way to his place, I stand almost outside his door and I see this beautiful woman walk out of his apartment. She got long black hair and her boobs are as big as my football-head. I get sad and hurt but I do now that he’s screwing around it’s only my own fault that I love him this much I would be nothing without him, he got an addiction to sex and that’s his problem not mine.
I’m walking forward to his apartment and knocking on his door, he opens the door and he is only wearing underwear’s.
Sure he’s body is so incredible hot, but I would like to if he could just for once act like an adult. He is 35 years old and I’m 19 years old but I still feel like I’m more mature then he ever going to be, he doesn’t even have a job for crying out loud.
I still love him; it’s just something about him that makes me feel a lot better with myself.

He takes his arms around me and give me a big hug then he holds my hand while we walking into he’s bedroom, he throw me badly in his bed then he crawls to me and takes his arms around me and give me a big wet kiss, he’s starting to undress me.
At this time I don’t feel so good, he always scaring me when we are sleeping together and he gets a turn on by hurting me.
He whispers in my ear:
I want to see you suffering; can I cut your arm?
I love him and I’m afraid to lose him so of course I’m letting him cut me.
He walks into the kitchen to get himself a scissor. When he comes back he touch my face with the scissor, I can feel how cold the metal from the scissor are and I am so scared but still so glad that I’m here with him.
He cuts me and I can feel the beautiful pain while he licks the blood of my arm, I can see his smiling face when I feel the scent of blood dropping down my pale skin.
He kisses me and now I can feel the taste of my own blood in his mouth.
He lies on top of me and I can see his pretty brown eyes hides behind his dark hair.
His skin is so cold and he gives me goose pimples. We start to have sex together.
I wake up the next day with his arms around me, I decide not to wake him up I don’t want to sleep with him again I just like the feeling of being liked by somebody.
I move his arms carefully and start to get dressed then I sneak out from his apartment as silent as I can.

I walk for myself in this small town, I look at people walking by and I start to wonder how their life is like, if anyone is like me, if they got a family that cares, if they got a sweeter boyfriend then I got, what they do for living.
My cellphone starts to ring, I jumped a little of fear “how embarrassing”. I answered the call, it was Tessy she’s my best and only friend and she wants to meet me at the mall because she got something important to say.

I’m walking to the mall that’s not really so far away from where I am now.
I meet Tessy at the Espresso House and we drink cappuccino together, she pulls out a chair to me and tells me that I better sit down. Tessy takes a seat in front of me, now she starts telling me…
She have seen Tim with lots of other girls and she doesn’t think that he is good for me and that he doesn’t deserve me, she told me that this girls is older then me and they are probably more mature then I am. I already know all this; she didn’t make it better by telling me again! I can’t leave him, if I leave him then I’m leaving everything that means anything to me, and then I rather kill myself!
I am so sad and angry at Tessy right now, I shout at her:
You don’t know what I’m going through; you don’t know what love is! You just screwing with every guy you can see!
Then I throw the rest of my cappuccino at her.
She shouts back at me:
If you stay with him and get aids, then you can’t belief that I’m going to be here for you!

I walk away from the mall, I can feel the tears slowly flow down my face. This hurt too much, the feeling of losing a friend is like getting a knife into your heart and I can feel it bleeding. I would rather jump in front of a truck then feel this painful feeling.
Right now at this moment I just want to get home and cut my wrists so I can feel better.
I’m walking home; I get into my apartment and open the door to my bathroom I take a knife from my bathroom cabinet and start to cut my wrists, I feel the knife cut into my flesh and I see the blood dropping down my sink beautifully. I don’t think about anything, right now it’s just me and the knife, my new best friend. I put on my bandages and walk into my bedroom to take a nap.

I wake up in the dead night, I can’t hear a sound. I lie in my bed and I can only imagine how I wish life should be like. I imagine that I have lots of friends, friends I never would throw cappuccino at and I imagine that I got a boyfriend that is very handsome and stunning a boyfriend that is only mine, not anyone else’s, just mine. I imagine that I walks beside him, he is tall and he got blonde short hair and his eyes is drop-dead gorgeous. I imagine us talking, we talk about interesting things and we laughing together and it’s hard to see if it’s me or him that smiling most. A guy like him would be the best that ever happened to my life, I would be glad to tell about him to my friends.
Now I start thinking, what the hell am I doing? I imagine how I wish my boyfriend should be like; this imagination is nothing like Tim. Why am I together with Tim? I don’t love him, he hurts me, and he makes me feel bad about myself.
I still can’t break up with him, nor can I? He’s the only one who means anything to me; I just left my only friend, I can’t leave my boyfriend too…
I think I shall call Tessy and tell her that I’m sorry, and hope that she’ll forgive me.
I start to type her number on my cellphone and calls her, I’m so nervous I wonder if she going to forgive me.
She answers my call; I tell her that I made a terrible mistake, losing a friend like her. I tell her that a boyfriend is not worthy to risk our friendship. She forgives me and then she tells me that it was a shocking discovery to see Tim with so many girls, she couldn’t believe that he where hurting me like that without me telling anything about it.
I tell her that I couldn’t tell about it; it would only make me cry, I think about it all the time that he is with somebody else when I’m cutting my wrists.
Tessy saying that she can’t believe that I spent so much time with that nerd and then she tells me about that accident that happened last year, when I tied to kill myself and Tim wasn’t at the hospital and visit me, not even once.

I still remember that night, I was so sad because my parents had just kicked me out and I had no place to go. I remember the feeling, it was like a big hole inside of my body, I remember that my hands where so cold and I where only wearing a white nightdress. I walked to a bridge and I stood there and I looked down to all the traffic and I could feel the wind against my skin. I stood there for what was feeling like an eternity and just stood there…
Thinking about if anyone would miss me if I jumped, I was thinking about Tim how much I love him and that I would die for him, I was thinking about Tessy my best friend who always has been there for me.
Then when I just had one foot left on the bridge and where ready to jump, I felt that somebody put their hand on my shoulder and said:
Don’t jump, please don’t jump.
I looked over my shoulder and I could see Tessy standing there her eyes where red from crying, she hugged me and said that she loved me.
Because of her I’m still alive.

Tessy asks me if she can come over to my place, and of course I let her come over.
I hear that somebody knocking on my door, I open it and its Tessy. She stands there in the cold dark night. We decides to watch a movie together, it’s so cosy to lie under a blanket with her, we where hugging and for the first time in my life I felt safe with somebody. Without really knowing what I did, I kissed her. I get panic and tell her how sorry I am and that I didn’t mean anything bad with it, then she said that it is okay and she kisses me back. It feels wonderful; it feels like every hormone jump out off my body. Tessy got so soft lips and I never realised how pretty ice-blue her eyes are. I never want to leave this moment; I want to stay like this forever. She wonders if I feel the same about her as she feels about me. I said that I never felt like this before, that it’s a new feeling and I think that I feel more for her then just like a friend. Tessy respond to my feelings and it feels a little weird to be together with my best friend.

After that we spent our evening with watching movies, cuddle and kissing, we finally felled a sleep in each others arms.
I can feel her breathe next to me; I can feel how warm she is and how warm she making me feels inside.
I finally now what real happiness are, it’s to feel love with another person.

© Josefine Askelin

Skriven av: Josefine Askelin