Just Breathe

“Inhale” “exhale”

I thought for myself without taking my eyes off of you. Why can’t I stop thinking about you... Do you ever think about me?

“Inhale”
“exhale”

“Hey!” I heard my friends shouting while storming into the classroom. My eyes switched direction . “You remember that Alex is throwing a party tonight, right? He wanted to make sure that you will be there” said one of my friends. “ I would not miss it” I mumbled. I should probably be more thrilled about being invited to parties, and I would if I knew that you would be there. Considering the past you have had with Alex, I knew that you would never get invited. Therefore I did not care about the party, or the past, I knew that our future, our time, it will come, and I will tell you exactly how I feel.

“Inhale”
“Exhale”

The day passed quickly, I grabbed my keys and went straight to the party. I was not planning on staying out late tonight, Alex is not the kind of person you want to be around for a long time anyway. He was certainly one of the most popular guys in school but I never liked him, we had nothing in common. From a young age, I was taught that people who are speaking badly about others are not someone to keep around. “If they do it to others, they will, at some point, do it to you too”, as my father used to say. And that was true, I remember, when you two still spent time together. You had your little friend group and everything in our school was in balance. Then, a couple of months ago, I heard that something happened, the rumours went wild and the next thing I know is that everyone was ignoring you and mocking you. My friends told me that you kissed Alex, that thing blew out to the maximum and I don't even want to know what more they were assuming that you did. And the worst part was that Alex was the one kissing you, you turned him down and that made Alex furious. No one listened to your side of the story, you were never given a chance. Let me be the second chance that you deserve.

“Inhale”
“Exhale”

My father taught me to give second chances and always show empathy. Blaming someone for their mistakes without knowing the whole story is just unethical, I believe. What he did not have time to teach me was courage because I turned out to be a coward. Ever since my mother left, it has always been me and him, he gave me the childhood that every child in the world deserves. But nothing lasts forever, and the only thing remaining is memories. I just did not realize that during last year, we would be making our last memories.

“Inhale”
“Exhale”

On my way to the party, a crispy September wind was blowing, it was obvious that summer nights began to fade. The soothing songs of the night birds filled my mind with sweet fantasies about the future that you and I could have, where we would lay on the grass, talking about life, kissing and laughing… I looked up and saw that big, grey clouds appeared white against the sky's caliginosity, and I understood that people will judge me when they find out. The only difference will be that I will finally be happy, be with you and I will live the life I am picturing in my dreams.

“Inhale”

“Exhale”

House music was playing loud, I could barely hear my thoughts. On the way up to the house, I saw Alex and a couple of his friends, smoking on the front porch. “I am so thrilled to see you” he said with a smile. I never understood why he actually wanted to keep me around, I smiled back and went into the house. My friends were the life of the party, so it did not take long to find them. A couple of beers later, I needed someplace to rest. It was impossible to spot any corner, sofa or even table where people would not make out or sleep. Suddenly, Alex appeared out of nowhere with a bottle of beer in his hand, spontaneously challenging me to play beer pong with his friends. Luckily for me, I got a free card since he got interrupted by some peers from school and they got into a deep discussion about something. Through the crowded hall, I succeeded to find a calm spot, on a white swing just outside the house. In the backyard music was hushed, and there was not a single soul except for me and some birds that were passing by. The evening was beautiful, my confidence was higher than ever. Some people passed me by, asking if I wanted to follow back to the house and dance. I didn’t. I found my peace with my mind in that backyard and just when I decided to go home, I felt a heavy hand resting on my shoulder.

“Inhale”
“Exhale”

It was Alex. His bitter, alcohol stained breath made me take a step back, while he started bragging about someone. In the middle of a sentence, he asked me if I wanted to follow him back to the party. My answer was no. Surprisingly enough, he did not try to convince me to go. He just glanced at me, and quickly turned around, almost falling he ran barefoot to the very end of the backyard. He stopped and opened the solar cover, where clear azure water was sleekly filled in a rectangular shaped pool. “Are you coming, I am getting cold?” he shouted.

“Inhale”

The evening took a very unexpected turn, considering how drunk Alex was, he could out of carelessness injure himself. “Just help him get back to safety and then I can go home,” I thought to myself. Alex was never my potential friend, no, but deep down I had respect for every human being, and that I owe to my dad. In my city, everyone kept a perfectly cut grass, like the most important task of the day was - cutting the grass. On my way to him I looked down. The grass has been mown so short the ground was showing and I wondered if everyone in his family wanted to pretend that they are better than everyone else, that they are not different, or if it was just Alex. If you try too hard to prove something that you are not, stuff gets ruined, like that grass.

“Exhale”

When I got to him, his polo was off. His tanned, firm biceps were showing, and I felt his fingers going for my zipper. “Do... you like gu…” I hesitantly tried to ask him but we got interrupted. Thankfully, his sister called for him and what happened next caught me off guard. Alex leaned toward me, whispering “Wait for me here” and then he kissed me. I would have never believed that he was attracted to me, how ignorant was I? I could not take my mind of this moment, but deep down I knew who I wanted, and I knew that Alex would never be the one standing between us, especially not now, not after this. There was simply no room for anyone else but you.

“Inhale”
“Exhale”

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe I could feel what was about to happen, but I decided to take a quick dip in the pool and after that I was sure that I would go home. The water was a bit chilly but it felt nice to be able to float, to be weightless and not always have to stand heavily on the ground. The pool was located close to the sparse bushes, if I looked closely I was able to spot the exact place that you used as a shortcut to Alex's house. I also saw the front of your house and tried to spot you in any window, I just wanted to catch a glitch of you when I heard someone approaching. “Looking for me?” I heard a distant, yet familiar voice asking. I turned around and was met by the sweetest smile, your smile. The only thing that got out of my mouth was “Oh, I believe I saw a rabbit or something, did you see it?” What a stupid phrase I just said, I nervously turned around, approaching the pool stair when you asked: “Do you want some company”? I did not answer. I smiled and moved to the other side and simply could not stop staring at you. While you took off your clothes, I observed your athletic body, your inked arms, your back... Everything was perfect, it did not take long before I felt butterflies in my stomach. “D...Does Alex know that you are here? I asked. “No, and I hope he never will, you probably understand why... But this won't take long. I just need to clear some stuff out…” You answered while entering the pool, your cold blonde hair changed to dirty brown when it got wet, and you were hotter than ever. My heart skipped a beat.

“Inhale”

“Need to do what?” I inquired while looking into your eyes.

“Exhale”

The next thing I remember is the taste of your wet lips. So sweet yet so lustful. When I opened my eyes, I saw the look in your brown eyes that I only used to dream about. I did not hesitate long before kissing you again, and again and again. Those minutes were surely one of the best in my life, moments like this should not end, not ever.

“Inhale”

After opening my eyes, I saw Alex, standing with his idiot friends on the other side of the backyard. Everything after that happened quickly. Alex screamed, looked at me, we jumped out of the pool and started running, you got caught. I saw how they were pushing you to the ground, while Alex just stayed back and watched. How could conformity mean more than someone's life, Alex? Some swear words came out of my mouth while I was rushing to help you. No one was around except for a coward, homophobes and us. They were much bigger, much stronger than us. But heaven knows that we would fight for the rights to love anyone and to be accepted. I remember being able to push back one of the guys, but it did not take long before I was on the ground. I did not feel any pain, even though I could taste the blood in my mouth. I looked at you, heard you calling my name but there was nothing I could do.


“Exhale”

Next thing I remember is hearing a voice. Something that I was unable to understand. A pungent smell of hospital disinfect, invading my nostrils and I began to understand where I was. The room was now silent apart from my heavy breathing and the slow beep beep sound you often hear in hospitals that indicates you're alive. I slowly opened my eyes, squinting in an attempt to sharpen the blurred images before me, and your blurred face. I glanced around and took in the deserted, red and white colour schemed hospital bedroom. How long have I been here? I shut my eyes, trying to remember what had exactly happened. While I thought of that, I heard your beautiful voice, but I don't know what you were trying to tell me. It felt like I heard my blood coagulate inside of my head, every inch of me hurted. Then it all hit me with a bang. The memory of it all started to occupy my thoughts. I felt a warm kiss on my cheek, I heard the beep-beep machine alarming. It felt as if my lungs were slowly filling with water, as if there was just less space in them for the air. Inflating them felt like pushing up a lead weight on my chest. I sucked in the air as if it were treacle, yet I was laying in a hospital bed, I saw your face and I knew that when you kissed me, I was more alive than ever before. So why couldn't I breathe now? Why was it so hard? Maybe because I will forever remain breathless until I am able to love who I love, I don't want to give up.

“Inhale”

Skriven av: Veronica-Svitlana