Lost along the way
I woke up by the sound of a noisy truck outside of my window. Car doors slammed, and two men argued violently. I glanced at the clock that sat on the wall; it was at a quarter to eight. I was late.
I jumped quickly out of bed, and almost tripped on the wooden floor in my narrow room. I quickly got dressed with the first thing I could get a hold of. While I put on my makeup, I yelled after my mother. Why didn’t she wake me up? But no one answered. I called out again. Still no answer, and there were no signs of life upstairs at all. Maybe she wasn’t home? But it was Thursday, On Thursdays she began later than usual. Where was she?
I ran up for the stairs as fast as I could. I was anxious and strangely calm at the same time. And my heart was pounding really hard; it was all I could hear. It was like my ears isolated every sound in my surroundings besides the beating of my heart. I remember how I tried to convince myself that mom was early to work, and that perhaps there was an emergency at the office and that she was needed there. I kept thinking: mom is alright. She is alright. I mean why wouldn’t she be?
I opened the door to her room quietly. I didn’t want to wake her up. And there she was, sleeping softly, peacefully. Her blonde hair was collected in a messy bun, and she was lying with her back facing me. She looked like an innocent, beautiful child, and I couldn’t help myself but to smile at the scene. I walked slowly towards her and lay beside her on the bed. I felt relieved, safe and comfortable lying there next to her. Nothing bothered me at that moment, it didn’t matter that I was late to school, it didn’t matter that Adam broke up with me just a week ago, and it didn’t matter that my life almost fell apart. All I knew was that I wanted to lie here and listen to her heartbeat; I wanted to stay here for all eternity.
Suddenly she started to move, faster than usual. And she started to shake out of nowhere, her arms and legs began to twitch. I jumped to my feet and ran to the other side of the bed, next to her. I tried to hold her still but she didn’t response or react of my presence. She didn’t react when I called her name several times. She didn’t react when I cried or when I screamed. She kept shaking for minutes, and I panicked. Then I called 911.
The ambulance arrived 8:20. Meanwhile mom did stop shake, but she was unconscious. And I sat on the floor next to the bed, and I gazed at her. They took her to the nearest hospital and I went along. Things got blurry on the way to the hospital. I remember the pouring rain and the smell of wet grass, and I remember how I shivered when we arrived at the hospital. I have never liked hospitals, neither did my mom. I also remember that I thought that my mom was gone, and that I lost her. But the doctor tried to calm me down, and said that he would take good care of her. It took a few hours before the doctor came out with the results.
I didn’t know what to expect. There were so many thought running through my head, that I got a headache. And then the doctor dropped a bomb; it didn’t prevent the headache or the heartache for that matter. According to the doctor my mom was sick, really sick. “The result shows that…” He took a break before he continued. He sighed and answered with a gentle voice that my mom suffered cancer, more exactly a brain tumor. I laughed at him, and he looked astonished back at me. And when I realized that he wasn’t joking with me I started to cry. My entire body was weak; every bone inside of me was broken. And I couldn’t stand on my one anymore. It felt like a hole was punched through my chest. It hurt. I just wanted it to go away.
At first I denied it. No I avoided it. I avoided everything that had to do with cancer. When my mom visited a clinic that would cure her, I refused to come along. Because it would only confirm that my mom really had cancer, and that there was a big chance that she could die. I didn’t support her at all, because I couldn’t stay strong in front of her. I couldn’t just sit there and watch her suffer. So instead I tried to forget. And I pretended like nothing was wrong, and that my mother wouldn’t die anytime soon. But she wanted to talk seriously about the future, I future without her. I guess she wanted to prepare me. I also avoided that talk. Every time she wanted to bring it up I either changed the subject or ran out of the room. Even though three weeks passed, I still cried myself to sleep every single night. Sometimes my mother heard me in the middle of the night, and she would come to my room and comfort me. I felt safe in her arms, and for a moment the cancer vanished.
Months passed and reality caught up with me. But I kept cut it out. I lost contact with all my close friends, no one fully understood. I stopped going to school too, so I could spend more time with my mother. Even though she persisted that I shouldn’t skip school. But I didn’t care. How did she expect me to go on with my life just like that? So my life contained three things: Sleep, eat and be with my mother. And I made a promise to myself one night; I promised that if my mom died I wouldn’t continue alone. She was everything to me, and without here my life had no meaning.
According to the doctor my mom’s time started to run out. I could feel it end slowly. But my mom tried to stay positive for me. I can clearly remember a night, we both lay in her bed, and she was telling me about her life as teenager. She wasn’t much older than me when she met my father. It was love at first sight, she said. She told me about their first date, and their first kiss. I smiled as a tried to imagine my father as a kid. My mom said that he was handsome and charming. But I couldn’t remember any of that, I couldn’t remember him. My dad died when I was 6 years old. He was run over by a car. I cried that night, just like any other night. But this time I didn’t cry for my mom, instead I cried for dad, the one I couldn’t remember.
Right before I fell asleep I could hear my mother whisper softly in my ears. She said that she loved me very much, and that I deserve a happy and a long life. I whispered back and said that I didn’t want one without her. She responded weakly that I was wrong, and that I will find happiness eventually. I tried to argue back but she didn’t let me. “Promise me darling, she said” “promise me that you will go on with your life, and that you will love life just like I loved it.” I nodded and then gave her a kiss on the cheek. And then we both fell asleep.
At the morning my mother died. But somehow I already saw it coming. And for the first time I accepted it, not for me, but for her. And I changed the promise I made for myself. Instead I followed hers. I would go on with my life, and I would try to love life, I would try to be happy. Just for her. Because that is what she wanted.
Skriven av: sshirin123
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En kvinna mitt i livet som lever med psykisk ohälsa. Har så länge jag kan minnas använt skrivandet som min terapi. Varje fredag kommer jag även att publicera mina fredagstankar, där jag bollar mina…Fredrik Trulsson