Never mind, I dont care!
I wake up to the sound of my parents argument, I smelled the scent of whisky and cigarette smoke. When they finally stopped argue, I walk up from the bed and got ready for school.
On my way out from the apartment I heard my mom ask me where I was going, I told her that I was on my way to school, she was running forward to me with a half bottle of whisky in her hand, she griped my arm and said “ I can drive you”.
I told her with a cocky attitude:
- You can’t drive me, your drunk.
My mother hit me in the face with her dirty cold hand.
I looked at her with tears in my eyes, she was sad, she knew she did the wrong thing. I could see that in the look on her face.
I opened the door and was on my way to school.
I’m going on a school for musicians, I’m 17 year old and going in 12th grade.
Me and my friends in class are going to make a CD together this term, we are only 7 pupils in my class so we are going to be almost like a band. I’m going to be the singer because everyone in the class said that my singing is best for the CD.
My best friend Ellen asked me if we could do something at my place today.
I looked at her with big and cute eyes and asked her if we could do something next week instead. I don’t like to be at home, every day I’m in school I just wish that the school never ended so I didn’t have to go home. I can’t stand that my mom always have to drink instead of getting her self a job and I can’t stand that my dad hardly is at home anymore and when he finally is at home they always have to fight and argue.
After school I walked home like every other day. I opened the door to our apartment and I saw my mom sitting in the sofa with whisky and beer all around her, the TV was on and she was sleeping. It smelled so bad in the apartment, it smelled like alcohol and cigarette smoke. I just had to open the windows so I could breathe.
The phone was ringing so I picked up and answered it.
It was a police and he where asking for my parents, I told him that my dad was working and my mom was kind of sleeping. I asked him if there was anything I could do and then he told me that my brother who is only 15 years old was drinking alcohol in school. I didn’t know what to answer so I just answered with an okay.
Then the police told me that he was going to drive my brother home, then he hang up on me.
I went in to my room, I felt depressed. I didn’t had anyone to talk to so I started to sing whatever was going on my mind. My mother heard me and soon she said:
You are a really good singer, have you ever thought about going to a school for musicians.
She didn’t know, all this years and she didn’t know what I’m doing, and want the most.
She made me very sad, she really hurt me when she said that. I answered her:
-Yes mother, I have been thinking about that, actually I’m already going on a musician school!
I felt that my eyes almost drowned in tears. I went fast to the door and closed it, before she was able to see the tears dropping down my face.
I could hear from my room that someone was knocking on the door (I thought to myself, don’t knock on death door) I could here my mom opening the door, it was my brother and the police. When the police left and my mother and brother was talking I could hear they say things like, “wait I can explain”, “wait until your father going to hear about this” and “go into your room!”
Something I have been thinking about a lot lately is:
It’s sad how you can hate someone but still love them with your whole heart.
Because even if I think that my family is the worse ever and everyone has it better then we, we can still care for each other maybe not like everyone else care for each other, but we are here.
My mom can not make dinner because of her drinking problem so me and my brother just take something in the kitchen and eat whatever we can find. Maybe that’s why we are so thin and don’t even close to being just a little fat.
It’s getting late and it’s time for me to go to bed, so I can wake up early next day and get ready for school in time.
I wake up to the same disgusting smell like always, I decided to go and take a shower before school. I found my mom sleeping on the floor in the bathroom with a bottle of wine in her hand. I didn’t want to wake her up so I decided to take a shower when I got home from school instead. I walked out from the bathroom and was on my way to wake my brother up when I stood outside his door I could feel a disgusting smell of vomit and alcohol, I opened the door and I still wish I never did that. My brother lied in the bed and he was hangover, he did not listen to me when I told him to wake up so I decided to leave him there.
After my best morning ever I walked to school.
Everyone whas already there and I was late, they looked disappointed at me. I said that I was sorry and that I slept over time.
We was practicing our song and made some new ones too, Ellen played guitar and I was singing there is other instruments too, drums and bass.
We play music like punk because everyone in the class like that sort of music and the instruments fits to it too.
Unfortunately the school ended like every other day and I had to go home again.
I met my brother on the way home, we hardly speak to each other but this time he said:
- Sara, what do you think we should do? He looked at the floor and not at me.
- Jimmy, what do you mean? I looked at him like I didn’t get it.
- Our family, it doesn’t seem to work like it should. Is there anything we can do? I could see in his eyes he meant every word he just said, he want to do something about this.
- I don’t know if there is anything we could do, if we tell anyone they perhaps going to break our family.
- Our family can’t break more then it already has done. Jimmy was still looking down to the floor.
We didn’t talk on the rest of the way home and when we got home I opened the windows again like I always do, I could se my mom with alcohol spots on her sweater sitting on the floor with a bottle of whisky on her knee. I went into my room and put on my TV and watched a movie. After I watched the movie I went out of my room and watched my mom who still sat on the floor with the bottle on her knee, she didn’t move. She scared me I walked forward to her and checked her pulse, I couldn’t feel it. I called an ambulance and went into my brothers’ room and told him what was going on.
I fallowed the ambulance to the hospital together with my mother and brother.
While the doctors where trying to help my mom, me and my brother had to sit in the waiting room and wait and see what happened. They was very sweet and kind to us in the hospital. I didn’t cry and I couldn’t feel sadness for what was happening I was just so shocked because of everything that where going on, I saw my 15 year old brother and he looked so sad I saw a tear dropping down his cheek. We didn’t know if we was ever going to talk to our mom again, we didn’t know if they could help her and we was so scared for everything that could happened, I knew that mom had a drinking problem but I never thought that it would turn out to this.
Then I started to think, a mother is a God in the eyes of her child. If it was the lady next door I wouldn’t think what I’m thinking now, I would probably think that she was insane, drinking that much when she had teenagers at home. I would never think that about my mom, she is my mom, she is the one who raised me to who I am today. Isn’t she?
The doctor came out to us, I asked him if my mother was okay and he said:
- Of course she is, we going to help her with a special program so she can try to stop drinking. She has to stay at the hospital some days but you are able to go and see her when ever you want.
Then my brother said:
- Can we go and see her now? He looked at the doctor with big eyes and his tears started to flow down his face.
- You sure can, the doctor said with a relieved smile on his face.
We went in to our mother’s room together and we was holding hands. When I saw my mom lie in the bed with hospital things, I couldn’t help but smile to her. I was so happy, because now she can get help for her problems. My mom smiled back and she asked my brother to leave the room for some minutes because she wanted to talk with me.
- I’m sorry because of everything I have done to your life, I’m sorry because of your singing, that I didn’t listen to you, I’m sorry because the apartment is a mess. Can you forgive me? My mom looked so serious and sad.
- Never mind, I don’t care. I can stand up for my own life, you don’t have to say that you’re sorry. I smiled at her, of course I didn’t meant what I said, of course I care, me and my brother’s life have not been easy with our family problems.
My mom smiled at me and thanked me.
I told Jimmy to come into the room again, we stayed with our mom for a while but then we had to go home. When we got home I decided to order a pizza, me and my brother talked the whole evening and watched movies together. It was wonderful, it was almost like our life finally found the light side of life.
© Josefine Askelin
Skriven av: Josefine Askelin
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En kvinna mitt i livet som lever med psykisk ohälsa. Har så länge jag kan minnas använt skrivandet som min terapi. Varje fredag kommer jag även att publicera mina fredagstankar, där jag bollar mina…Fredrik Trulsson