The etarnal pain of love.
Some of the most extraordinary things happened to me today, I suddenly felt stronger than I used to but only when I looked at this girl. A girl who’s beauty couldn’t be overseen. The girl had been in my class a long time but I hadn’t felt anything for her earlier but now it struck me, I had grown feelings for the girl and now I was afraid to be near her. Afraid she’d notice and not like me back, but I had an dilemma it was school pram closing up and I want to ask her but I am to afraid. What if she don’t like me what if she would say “no”. Then what? What should I do then? Should I go down I despair and not dare come near her again no matter how much I wanted to. My feelings betray me I have no idea what to do. I’m sitting and listening to Heavy metal as I’m writing this but it only stirs up feeling for the girl that makes me feel dizzy. I talked to a friend and tried to get some advice but not reveal too much for him. Now I have finally found the strength but I never get the chance to ask her at school she’s always with a group of friends. I tried to tell her over msn but she’s never in. What if she knows what I want to ask and avoids coming online. That is the thing that’s keeping me from asking. That and what if she got a boyfriend already. I can’t help but feel helpless and scared of something I shouldn’t find hard. Pain I can handle but not this! This is a pain in it self that is hard to control. With outer pain u can focus on something else that’s makes u forget the pain you are feeling but every time I try to concentrate my thought’s on something else I end up thinking on how she would react. The thing is I can’t get away from the inner pain because it is in my head. Suffering of the paranoia I my self has caused. I have nobody but my self to blame. I wish I could be happy and float around in my head as the freedom I always had. These thought’s has poisoned my soul it has laid it self as a shadow in my head, and I can’t find the switch to the light. I’m desperate! Help me find the switch. What should I do? When my answer is not to be revealed for me, my path is darkened before me and I am lost in the dark that never ends. Kill me now and end this suffering or tell me what to do with this painful love. I want her to know what I feel but no way is good enough to tell her my appreciation that she exists. Please I beg of you make me tell her or let me die in this sad story. I can only hope that she notices what I feel before it’s too late. Or the other way around that I tell her, but how that should be possible I don’t know. Make me feel what other feel, help me understand females and tell me what she feels. I know I ask for guidens. Please make this guidens lead me in the right direction towards my goal in this abandoned hole in my hearth. I know what would fill it but I’m falling in this hole deeper and deeper becoming more and more frightened of what she will say. This dark story has no end because this is true. The pain I feel can not be measured with any other physical pain on this planet that the humans can cause. Make my hearth understand what my body want’s and give me the strength to withstand the answer she will give me. I have almost given up hope, give me a sign. I see blood on my hands but it is a mere elution, my mind plays tricks on me I wake up at night’s feeling shivers going down my spine and I see blood every ware. These visions is me inside, showing exactly how feel without my comfort of being able to float away I my mind getting away from all the troubles I have. Let me have that back. I realise that the only way to do this is to tell her what I feel if I would just stoop thinking that she avoids me. Killing the mind is the ultimate murder, you kill your own personality to leave a shell of a living thing.
Love: In Pain.
Skriven av: Henrik
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En kvinna mitt i livet som lever med psykisk ohälsa. Har så länge jag kan minnas använt skrivandet som min terapi. Varje fredag kommer jag även att publicera mina fredagstankar, där jag bollar mina…Fredrik Trulsson