Time is a fluently thing
It is always darkest before the dawn is the first thing i wrote in the stupid notebook.
-Lucy? I opened the unlooked door. - Is it you Tara? -yeah who else would it be?
She came running down the stairs as stunning as always. She was pulling up here long red hair in a ponytail showing her scare around her neck. Her grey eyes smiled at me when she saw me. She hugged me and said what have you done to you hair? Could not decide if you wanted to be bold or have hair? She laughs. I try to laugh with her but it sounded more like a coughing cat. – Darling it is called a side cut –aha, you look undecided she said but it suits you. I smiled at her. She always makes me smile. Bye mom she calls into the kitchen that smells like cigarettes and old beer.
Okay be safe says the women that has caused her so many scares not only on her body. I can´t even imagine the scares on her soul. I know that she has deep depressions sometimes. My deepest fear is that one day I will wake up next to a corpse. –where do you want to go? –anywhere with you. –cute she says and rolled her eyes. – I´m hungry let’s go to the store and by food and then cook it at your place she adds. - Sounds lovely. I took her hand and went to the grocery shop. Lucy collected the indigenes she thought we needed and I paid. We cooked the dinner as usually and she stayed the night. This was like all other nights. The thing is that my medicine helps me sleep and once I sleep I´m almost impossible to wake. Not even when my worse fear came true.
The next morning I found her in my bathtub. Deep under water. She wasn’t breathing I started CPR and called the eminency service center. I don´t remember what happened next. All I remember is that they carried her away and I was consumed by darkness. The darkness that have been hunting me since I was 4.
Time is an fluently thing is the second thing I wrote about in the stupied notebook.
Darkness. Always darkness. I can´t handle this any longer. It´s like the darkness is suffocating me from the outside and in. Or is it the other way around? I don´t know. Either way this doesn’t feel like a shelter anymore. The darkness use to be my only way out. The only escape from my pain. Pain. I miss the feeling of pain. Because at least that meant that I was still alive. I´m not alive any more. I´m simply just existing. I use to be alive. But that feels like a faraway dream. I´m not even sure if it ever happened. Or if it simply just was a dream. A dream that ended in a nightmare. That brought the darkness back in to my life.
My mother always said that there are no light without darkness and vice versa. I guess that was supposed to make me feel better but it didn’t make any sense to me until I meet her. The light of my life and the darkness of my life. I wish I could say that I loved her but that would be a lie. I have never loved anyone. I´m not even sure that I know what love is. But on the other hand who does? I have heard and read about it, but I have also heard of unicorns and hobbits it doesn’t mean that they exist for that sake.
My life is an endless struggle against the darkness. I haven´t left the bed in weeks maybe even months, I don´t know. One day I find the strength to go to the bathroom and opened the window and I jumped. I remember falling and then pain. I remember darkness. She was the last thing on my mind. The one I taught that I loosed. Just like this, the only different is that she drowned. The thought of losing the only one I ever cared about is what pushed me over the age. The only happiness I ever had is now gone and so am I. At least I thought so. The stupide doctors saved my life. Apparently her life too. But the thing is her death was just an excuse. I have wanted to die since I was 4.
I can hear myself sigh. -I can´t believe you´re making me write this silly things down. My voice sounded a lot more vining that attended. Lucy just laughs at me. –well you always say that I don´t listen to you or understand. – Mabey this way I can understand she adds. I don´t know but Lucy can always convince me to do or say anything. Even convince me to live when I wanted to die. I guess I should feel grateful but instead I just feel tired. Tired of everything. Tired of this numbness inside of me. Tired, that’s a new thing. An emotion that feels more than the numbness. At least for a while. That made me somehow feel a little better.
Mabey this numbness are finally letting go of me. –How did it go today? I asked her before she reeds my mind. - Horrible! It was like all air went of her like a flat tire. She sat down into my knee and I wrapped my arms around her. – That’s sucks. She nodded. – I wish you could go with me. It would be so much easier. You always know how to keep me calm. I manage to stay in school for a class before I had to go home. One class of five. She sighed I could just as well stayed home. She adjusted the oxygen mask and pressed on. - I don´t think I can go back there again. I waited for a few seconds just in case she was not done. – Ofcourse you can! And you will. I know how much you love to learn new things so you are going back to school. So what if you only can make one class at the same time. That is one more class than you did yesterday. – But that are fore less than I use to have she interrupted.
I sighed. –And I use to be free. – Point taken she says. I looked at the window with bars. That would make sure that I would not jump throe the window. It can´t be opened so I don´t see the point with the window. It only makes this place more of a prison than it already feels like. This is a physical section of the hospital, but it feels more like a ward of people like me. People no one knows how or want´s to help. I´m a hopeless case, way even give me a chance? Lucy followed my eyes. – I really don´t get way he has to sit here with you if he has his back turned on you looking thru the window. I shrugged my shoulders. I really don´t care what the staff do or don´t do. I just wanted to go home. If there was a hell I image that this is how it would look like. The green borders of the walls make me feel sick even though the green borders are supposed to be calming. The rest of the walls were once white, but know they are yellow of age.
This room is supposed to be my own room. But now it is three more people in here. We don´t even have beds to sleep in. We sleep at bunks to make more room for more patients. We have no paintings in case somebody tries to eats it or gets hallucinations or whatever thanks to it. I´m here because I tried to kill myself. And now I have to convene the staff that the medicine makes me happy. Even though it doesn’t. I just have to find a way to stay alive. Because I don´t won´t to hurt Lucy again. I never thought that my actions could affect her like they did. I shiver by the though. The pain I always feel when I´m not numb by medicine is better than this zombie mood. Next time I do it better. Next time I will succeed. Next time I will let the darkness consume me and I won´t fight it. I will let go and I will die. Yes, that’s the depressing plan. Somehow it is comforting to know that it all will soon end.
But first I have to make sure that Lucy will be okay when I´m not here anymore. It was like she could read my mind. – Can you promise me something? She asks. –Anything. – Please don´t leave me. I know you really don´t won´t to live. Not like this. But I can´t lose you. –I promise. I felt that I meant it. But that´s just because I know that she won´t live so much longer. The thought makes me want to cry. But the numbness makes it impossible to cry. I could feel how she relaxed in my arms. She pulls up a small little note from her pocket. -I wrote you something in case you ever think of doing something stupide again.
-I don´t know if I´m even supposed to tell you. But the knowledge is eating me alive. I wrote this when you. She interrupted herself and took a deep breath. Her voice sounded a lot more steady then her shivering body. – I wrote this to you because I don´t know if I can say it to you but I will try. Another deep breath. –You should now that you are not the only one in pain. I have been in deep pain and fear since you decided to end you´re life. I don´t won´t you to feel bad about it. I just won´t you to get into your sick thick head that I love you. I have loved you since forever. And you are my friend. I can´t believe that you would be this selfish. That you put me thru all this pain and suffering of almost losing you.
I know that you still have these thoughts. The war inside of you. The numbness that the medicines makes you feel. I feel it every day. The only different between us is that I have learned my lesson. I want to live. Not for you or anyones sake. I won’t to liv for my own sake and I hope you will soon to. Because there are more things than pain and darkness in life. If you can´t find it just remember, what got you here in the first place and believe me I would feel the same. I´m feeling the same.
She stopped talking and she left me speechless. I knew that this is how she felt but it still chocked me to hear her say it out loud. – I never even thought of this. That I could have hurt you like you hurt me. I never thought you had to see me like that. It is humiliating and the thought of hurting you is what keeps me alive. - I just really need to get out of this horrible place. Oh well they can´t keep me here forever.
Just as I said that a tall man who looked super tired with big glasses covering half of his face entered the room. He was chewing gum. We are not allowed to have gums in case we would swallow whole bunch of them and suffocate. Not even those who want´s to live are allowed to have gums. Same rules for everyone. He must be a doctor because he wears jeans and a t-shirt instead of the blue and white clouding that the rest of the staff has. His papers with notes about us are falling all around him. He does not seem to notice. Until another patient point´s it out. I don´t like him at all. He looks like those careless doctors. Lucy jumps from my knee kisses my cheek and says talk to you later.
The doctor looked confused and said -oh my lord I´m sorry. I really need to get one of those. What do you call it? Oh yes folders to keep my papers together. He picked up his papers. The boy next to me screamed out loud and jumped of the bed runs into the wall and bumped his head in the wall and then fell down to the floor. Living a big pole of blood on the wall after his bleeding now broken nose.
The boy just kept screaming out of fear. They are coming! They are coming!
I know that all you have to do to calm him down is to touch his arm and talk to him. Instead four men come running in to the room with a bunk with handcuffs in leather and for his feats too. They force him to the bed and bind him to the bed. The man who has been looking at the window instead of making sure that none of us of us is hurting ourselves is now ordered to keep poor Jimmy company and an nurse are ordered to give him an shoot of calming medicine.
Drugs seem to be the only solution in this awful place. I don´t say that medicine is a bad thing but maybe it is not the only answer. It hurt´s and make me angry to see poor souls like Jimmy get tied up like this. It is against the law to tie somebody to the bed longer than 18h straight and they aren’t allowed to be left alone. And this kind of beds is only allowed to be used if there is nothing else to do to stop the patients to hurt themselves or others.
Jimmy finally stops his heartbreaking screaming. Lucy looks as white as snow and looked like she has been frozen in a step. Staring at the blood at the wall. One of the nurses is cleaning up poor Jimmy talking calmly to him and is fixing his nose with white stripes. She looks angry. Like she is disappointing that this could happen. She is one of the good once here. One of the few who cares if we live or die.
The doctor seems as chocked as Lucy. The sweet nurse cleaned the wall and left us. The doctor now turns to me. He shacked my hand and introduced himself as dr Stuart Stain. Jimmy tried to get loos of his strains and it broke my heart to see him like this. The staff told him to calm down like it would help him.
Stuart asked if we could talk in another room. I nodded. Like I had a choice in this place. Lucy pushed my weal sheer and Stuart led the way down the corridor. The corridors are like a labyrinth of rooms and looked doors. He unlooked one of the rooms. Witch looked like all the rest of the green and yellow rooms. This one had a secretary desk and an old computer. This must be his office. Lucy pushed me into the room and left me with the doctor. She knew she wasn’t allowed to stay with me while I spooked to the doctor.
He asked me a lot of questions about how I ate and skit and other routine questions. So far I have been nursed by force. Because the law says I haven’t the right to say no as long as I´m a danger to myself or others. Stuart informed me that I was no longer under the law. I smiled at him and said –does that mean I can go home now? I knew the answer was no. But I had to ask. He looked closely at me. Like he actually cared. Deepens are you still in Missouri? The question surprised me. I nodded.
-If you would like to I could give you EET treatment. –What? I replied him not knowing what he was talking about. It means that we would anaesthetize you and send small electrify impulses into your brain. Most need a few sessions to get the optimal effects. The upside of the treatment is that you might feel better but the down side is that you won´t remember the 1-2 days before the treatment. Some even loos 1-2 weeks of memory. You might get part of your loosed memory back but it´s not certain. – And if I say no. My heart rose of fear. – Then we keep treating you as we do know. Mabey adjusted you medicine. I sighed. – No, the medicine makes me feel numbed not happy. I do the EET treatment. I don´t won´t to remember this place anyway. I´m sorry you feel so bad about this place he replied. Would it be okay to do the treatment tomorrow? – Yes. -Okay I schedule you then. Stuart started the computer end scheduled me. He followed me back to my room. Lucy waited obviously worried on me and I smiled to calm her down. Jimmy was calm now and it looked like he slept.
Stuart walked to his bed and he calmly relics Jimmy and says. He doesn’t have to be tied up when he is calm. Don´t you know the rules? He asked the staff who mumbled something in return. It felt comforting to see that at least somebody seems to be at our side.
Before I knew it the next morning was here. I was to nervous to eat and Lucy was in school so she was not here to calm me down. I didn’t like the idea of getting election chocks into my brain. But at this point I´m ready to try anything. I wrote it all down in case I forget. I wrote my whole story down in case I can´t remember who I am. A man dressed in red interrupted my writing and pushed me to the operation section of the hospital. In an hole other part of the hospital. When I came to the operation section, somebody new called Sara waited on me and led me to the operation bed. She put me to sleep as I counted 99, 98, 97 and it all went black. I woke up with a weird emptiness in my head. Time flews fluently in this place. Every day looks the same and after a few sessions I felt for the first time in my life that I actually wonted to live. And this is the day when I get to go home. Home to Lucy. The girl who are my darkness and light. I hope she decides to live too. One way or another.
Written by Emma Ferdén
Skriven av: M-ah
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