The ponderings

a few poems...


Laughing at your tranquil smile
you think you won
feeling secure in my beliefs
unlike you, whom always worried about everything
sensing your lips starting to tremble
as the truth hits you.
Laughing out loud at your blank expression
it feeds my hunger
a hunger I cannot slake any longer
a hunger tearing me apart
like it tore your heart just moments ago.
Laughing so hard my stomach aches
convulsive cramps travel through it
back and forth
and back again it comes
they silence me, make me grimace in pain
my laughter turns into death rattles
your defeat is killing me.
No longer laughing but whining
wailing rythmically with the cramps and the pain
wailing like a captured animal
afraid and excited at the same time
wailing turning to ecstatic shouting
keeping me alive – though barely – for one more second.
Then the silence and the darkness embraces me
take me into their arms
carry me off to a higher plane
leave me to ponder my strange situation
or to find out how to go back to life and you
to tell you I won and you lost
though I already know it’s too late.
Rising to my feet I survey my surroundings
wondering where this place is
in another universe or just a parallel dimension
equal to the one we once lived in
- or at least me –
and realize it won’t be so easy to return.
On the top of the foremost hills the sun rises
and the moon descends upon the grass
deers and mooses grazing at the edge of the fields
of this world’s graceful planes
and the mountains wait in the background
for me to climb them and reach the other side
where my true destiny awaits.
Weary from my long journey but anxious to continue
I lift my heavy feet and start my way
hoping that my strength will last me to the valley below
the hills I must ascend
and take me to the place where I belong
away from you, the person I first wanted to
tell off and then laugh at
but I obviously had other things coming.






A forged smile
is a forged life
and a forged life
will take you nowhere
but down.



Killing gives you a kick and makes you want more
more excitement and more thrill, or whatever turns
you on,
but did you ever stop and think about the affects
on the lives of your victims’ relatives?
Did it ever cross your mind that they mourn just as
much as you would do if anyone in your family
got murdered?
Or maybe you just don’t like your family.
Anyways, it’s no reason to take somebody else’s life,
you know that, don’t you?
Perhaps you should consider your options and
do autopsies instead, that way you’ll still get to
cut. You with me?



Don’t you just love that feeling
when the sun descends on us
and the special warmth of being
adored fills your every pore, your every molecule?
Don’t you just love that feeling
when the rain comes down in the summer
and the special warmth of being
cherished spurts out of your soul?
Don’t you just love that feeling
when the rainbow glows mightily
and the special feeling of being
watched touches your every limb and bone?

I think you should, because you won’t
have too many of them.



The one to blame is not unseen
The one to blame is not plain mean
The one to blame is not blue-eyed
The one to blame is not in hide
The one to blame is not ashamed
The one to blame is not tamed
The one to blame is not decieved
The one to blame is not believed
The one to blame is us.


Take a spin and come back home;
you won’t leave Mom for long, boy!


I can’t let her alone
she is just so funny
afraid of everything
I love to see her scared
her eyes filled with panic
the light tremble of her lips
the pallor of her cheeks
the curl of her brows
She is beuatiful when she’s scared
I can’t let her alone
she is just so cute
in love with everything
I love to see her brighten up
her eyes filled with warmth
the smile on her lips
the blush on her cheeks
the melodic sound of her laughter
She is beautiful when she’s in love
I can’t let her alone
she is just so sweet
concerned about everything
I love to see her worry
her eyes filled with anxiety
the purse of her mouth
the earnest expression of her face
the frown on her forehead
She is beautiful when she’s concerned
I just can’t let her alone
I love her



You came closer
hit me
spat at me, my face
it stings
it bleeds, it spurts, my head
it aches, oh Lord, it aches
feels like it’s coming apart
it’s coming apart
I’m dying
help me, I’m dying
please



So it rains again
the sun has fled the field
for now.
Tomorrow might be bright,
might be sullen
clouds or clear-blue, who knows?
Tomorrow we’re eating out
celebrating nothing special
just trying to get fat
or so it seems.
Father is of a wierd kind.
Tomorrow we’ll see them
cousin, grandmother, mother of cousin
- relatives –
irrelevant information will be given
back and forth without stop
degradation will ge our guest
and comments of mockery will be spat out.
I can already see her face
as I tell my story
of the piercing lost and remade
she won’t understand
just say “Why’d you do it over
when you could’ve just let it grow together again?”
Old folks never understand
though they once were young, once vigilant
like us.
Tomorrow I will be patronized
like were I a child
though I am already grown up
family is like that, won’t accept
you’ve become an adult like them – and others.
They don’t want you going out
seeing people
and possibly have sex though you’re not
even in a relationship
- and never have.
What, do they think I’m stupid?
That I would just jump into bed with anyone,
virgin and all???
Tomorrow there will be awkward silences
and nervous laughs
unlike when one was a kid and actually liked being
patronized, because it meant care
now it merely means distrust.
They don’t trust my judgment.
They don’t trust me at all.
Tomorrow will not be a yearning, but a dream
long lost in the past.



I need to hear your voice
but am too shy to call
I need to make a choice
but nevertheless want it all
I have to be beside you now
but am too shy to move
I have to know just how
you feel ‘bout me ‘n prove
I must see you after school
but am too shy to ask
I must say you’re cool
but am too shy for the task
Dizzy with emotions I lose
my grip on reality
Fuzzy with conflictions I lose
my grip on my sanity
I need you
but I can’t have you
your heart belongs to her



Death is looming over us each and every day that passes, and I know you can feel it, too. The presence of something vicious, something malevolent, something powerful with dark intentions. It draws nearer for every word we speak, every breath we take, every drink we have. Around every corner of our lives, it could be waiting – yet we keep getting more time to contemplate our fate and (possible) future. We may live happily to be eighty years old, but we may as well die young. The thing is ... we can’t hide. The reaper will always be there, watching, waiting for the perfect time to take our lives. And that’s what scares the wits out of us.




I've crossed the mountain, climbed over its peak
and before me lie the valley of golden bloom
a valley so pure you cannot sense any evil
just friendship and fellowship.
This is indeed a wierd experience.

Skriven av: Sara Karlsson